Chapter Five

What To Do When Life Hurts

Religion is man's attempt to define who God is and what He expects of us. It always requires more of us than God does and is based on stifling control, not relationship. It dictates what God wants us to do even though it may not be what He wants at all.

Our compliance with this legalistic system will put shackles on our drawing close to Him. It may make us feel important or that we are accomplishing something through doing good works, saying rote prayers or acquiring an exceptional head knowledge of the Bible.

But doing, achieving and accomplishing have nothing to do with being close to God.

Religion's oppressive message is that we must perform in our relationship with the Lord or something is wrong with us. There is no way we can ever do enough, if the requirements of religion are the master over our spiritual life. The expectations are too harsh and unbending.

This distorted view of God turns Him into someone who spends a great deal of His time carefully watching to see if we are making any mistakes. When we blow it, He is quick to scold and punish. In response to this religious mindset, we put pressure on ourself to do what we think God is asking of us. We do this out of fear of His disapproval or to avoid the guilt and condemnation that trouble our soul whenever we are wondering if we've let Him down. Instead of feeling safe and welcome in the presence of the Lord, we feel unacceptable.

Intimacy with Him then becomes impossible.

When Jesus lived on this earth, He was the hardest on those who were religious. He knew that the Father longed for intimacy with us. He also wanted to change us from His servants into His friends, but the legalistic teachings of the religious leaders were destroying the openness of His own people to be close to Him and to His Father. They were exceptionally convincing in their efforts to control the hearts of the Jews because they were so skilled at substantiating their message with Scriptures.

This religious bondage infuriated Jesus. We don't like it when someone misrepresents who we are, especially if it causes someone we care deeply about to distance themselves from us. God feels the same way. He hates it when a religious person portrays an inaccurate picture of Him. This distortion causes good people to be alienated from Him. Desperate people who are in serious need of God won't even give Him a chance.

Jesus spared no words in being cuttingly honest toward the religious leaders of His time. He let it be known that His Father didn't send Him into the world to "judge, reject, condemn or pass sentence on" people. The Father sent Him so that they could "find salvation, and be made safe and sound" through Him (John 3:17 Amplified). He also scathingly denounced the religious leaders for putting oppressive requirements on the Jews and using His Bible to do it. Jesus boldly exposed their spiritual abuse by warning the people…

"The religious leaders crush you with impossible religious demands, and they never lift a finger to help ease your burden (Matthew 23:4 NLT).

"How terrible it will be for these teachers of religious law and the hypocritical Pharisees. They are like whitewashed tombs, beautiful on the outside, but filled on the inside with dead people's bones and all sorts of impurity. They try to look like upright people outwardly, but inside their hearts are filled with hypocrisy (Matthew 23:27-28 NLT)."

These words were spoken over 2000 years ago, but it is the same today. A self-righteous, religious mindset still does more damage to people being close to God than anything else.

If we have any religious thinking, it will condemn us the most when life hurts. For example, in any close relationship there are times when sickness, loss, heartache, financial strain or physical weariness can momentarily affect how we respond to a loved one. This is also true of our response to the Lord. During the difficult times, when we don't do as much as we usually do in our relationship with God, the religious mindset hurls condemnation at us.

Barry was instrumental in helping me to see some of my own religious thinking. Here is how that revelation unfolded.

From the beginning of our marriage it was disconcerting for Barry and me whenever we felt a change in the way we responded to each other. In past relationships, we both had experienced painful losses and had made serious mistakes that contributed to those losses. We never wanted to do anything to damage our close friendship. When aggravations and hurt feelings occurred, we swiftly dealt with them and that is how we still handle those issues.

We are committed to this vigilance as soon as tension between us arises because we had both learned, long before we met each other, that a delay in communicating anything that is troubling someone can rapidly cause serious harm to the intimacy and damage "the vineyard of our love" (Song of Solomon 2:15 NASB).

Barry and I also refuse to let the "sun go down" on us being upset with each other. We are determined not to give the "devil any opportunity" to hurt our friendship (Ephesians 4:26-27 NASB). The Word clearly says that "the time to stop strife is before it escalates" (Proverbs 17:14 NLT), and we are convinced that being diligent to honor this instruction protects our closeness with each other. When there is any tension between us, we try to be quick to talk about it, quick to listen to each other, and quick to forgive. Then when we wake up each morning there are no festering issues that can infect the new day.

Our treasured intimacy is also far more important to us than either one of us having to prove that we are right. This heart attitude brings a humbleness into a relationship that is critical for a closeness to flourish. It fosters a willingness to die to ourselves so that our love for each other can flourish.

As the years have passed by, we have also grown increasingly aware that often tensions we initially thought were problems between us had nothing to do with our relationship. Frequently they are external pressures that were temporarily affecting how we respond to one another. So to guard our closeness, we try not to take those times of depletion personal.

We actually remind each other, "This problem is not about us. It's about what is going on right now."

This effort has proven extremely fruitful in our marriage.

We have learned that it is wise to alert each other as soon as we realize that we are in one of those depleted places. This effort protects the friendship from unnecessary hurts. Instead of negatively reacting because we misunderstand, we can give our reassurance to the one who is having a difficult time.

Times of conflict, stress, weariness or sickness are the defining moments in any close relationship. If we handle these difficulties with mutual understanding and kindness, the intimacy will emerge more secure.

The key is to recognize when the other person can't give to us what we need and die to our desire for them to meet our needs. Then we also must die quickly, and decisively, to any criticisms because negativity at that moment is a serious mistake. Just when our loved one needs our understanding the most, they feel that they are a disappointment to us. This impression opens the door to a self-defeating discouragement.

Barry and I are convinced of the importance of releasing each other from expectations, especially during the hard times. As a result of this unselfish act, peace in the intimacy is protected. The person who momentarily can't be themself isn't under pressure to be someone they can't be. The absence of expectations and criticism help them to move more quickly toward a resolution of what is weighing them down. Because the situation hasn't been complicated by problems from within the marriage, the focus can be on the real problem that is outside the relationship.

Their weariness also hasn't been magnified by feeling that they have let someone down whom they love.

As we extend this grace and understanding to each other, instead of the friendship becoming another area of distress when life is difficult, it proves to be a reassuring refuge.

The other direction that we can go with our responses during times of conflict or depletion is deadly for intimacy.

If we don't die to ourselves as soon as we realize that the person we love isn't able to give us what we need, we can inflict on them eroding, demoralizing judgments. We can cause this harm through a disapproving or scornful look, or a reaction of cold disgust that flashes across our countenance. We can also lash out with cutting words.

Once those hurtful words are spoken, we can't take them back. The memory of them lives on in our loved one's heart and can cause cracks in the foundation of the relationship.

The mercy of God and the choice to be quick to forgive each other can heal the damage from words that we all wish we had never said. However, if the unkind words continue, the fractures in the intimacy become more serious and more difficult to repair. When that happens, the safety of the relationship is shattered and our loved one withdraws their closeness from us.

God can still heal this damage, but it is far wiser to avoid putting a relationship in this much distress in the first place.

There is another illuminating side to times of weariness and depletion that I have gleaned from my relationship with Barry. We value the closeness of our friendship so highly that we don't shut each other out when life hurts. It is supremely important to both of us to keep on talking to each other and daily share our honest thoughts, feelings and struggles regardless of what is going on in our lives or how we are feeling.

To make certain that this happens, we have a dedicated time each night when we sit close together in front of our fireplace and talk. Even if we don't have much to say, we still have that time in each other's presence. Just to be together always helps.

We also do whatever is necessary to get back as quickly as possible to the place where we can once again respond to each other in the way we desire and miss. This commitment to the relationship means that both of us take personal responsibility during wearying, draining times. We get extra sleep and extra nutrition, clear our calendar of any unnecessary plans that pull on our strength and energy, and we schedule extra time to relax with each other and be refreshed by the closeness of our friendship.

What has been life-changing for me is the discovery that the ebb and flow in my intimacy with Barry is so similar to my intimacy with God.

Even with the Lord there are times when I am exhausted physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and it simply isn't possible for me to respond to Him in the way that I usually do.

These are the times when a religious mindset will blast away with condemnation by telling me…

It doesn't matter if you feel totally overwhelmed or worn out. You need to do what you always do, even if it feels like far too much. Otherwise you aren't going to be as close to God and He is not going to be pleased with you.

This damning message judges us for not reading our Bible as often as usual, or not worshipping or praying out loud as much as we ordinarily do. Not working as hard at church or in ministry is another area of common attack.

Whenever we bow to this harsh taskmaster of religion we end up believing that its legalistic message is what God expects of us. We walk around feeling that He is disappointed in us and this disappointment from anyone we love, including the Lord, is one of the most deadly enemies of intimacy. It communicates an unkind lack of acceptance and understanding and God created our hearts with the built in need for us to feel accepted and understood before we can be emotionally and spiritually intimate with anyone.

Barry is the one who helped me to see God's heart more clearly during my hard times.

There are days when I feel so exhausted that I don't sing my worship to the Lord or play my harp. I don't pray out loud with Barry as much or pick up my Bible and read it for a few days. In the past, when this happened I would say to Barry, "I feel bad. I want so much to worship with the harp and sing to the Lord, and I really want to read my Bible like I usually do, but right now I don't have it to give."

There was also a lingering feeling that perhaps I was not as intimate with the Lord because I wasn't doing everything I ordinarily did to be close to Him.

"God understands, Ruth," Barry consistently responded. "He understands, just like we do during the times when we can't give what we want to each other."

As I reflected on his words, I began to consider that God never said to us, "Come to Me, but only when you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing, and you are doing everything right, or everything you think I expect of you."

What the Lord actually says to us when life is difficult and we aren't ourselves, is, "Come to Me when you are weary, and heavily burdened and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28 NASB).

That place of rest with the Lord is the same place I find in Barry's kind love. It is the haven we all need when life hurts. There is no stern look on the face of our Lord when we come into this refuge to be with Him. There is no disapproving condemnation. There He is, with wide open arms, waiting, kind, understanding, moved with compassion by our troubles and concerns, and eager to simply be with us and refresh us with His loving, accepting presence.

As a result of this insight I realized that intimacy is not based on something I am doing. It is rooted in who I am to the person I love and who that person is to me. It is independent of what I can or can't do at the moment to express my love.

After this breakthrough in my thinking, I felt freer and freer when life wasn't normal and I couldn't be all that I sincerely wanted to be.

Then when I was writing this chapter the Lord showed me these unforgettable insights...

"Ruth, no matter how difficult life may be, and no matter how tired, sick, or troubled you are, you still keep talking to Me about everything that is going on in your life. You still honestly share with Me all your struggles. Not a day goes by when you haven't shared your innermost thoughts and feelings with Me.

"This is what My friend, David, did. He always laid his soul bare before Me, and when David talked to Me so honestly I loved it. Even when He was telling Me He was having a difficult time with Me, I delighted in his transparency. I love that honesty from any son or daughter because it helps them to be close to Me. This is intimacy with Me, Ruth. This is friendship with Me.

"And Ruth, you never stop thinking about Scriptures in your heart, even when you don't feel good at all and you haven't picked up your Bible to read it for a few days. You never stop praying My Word. You never stop standing by faith on it. When you are attacked by the enemy, or when you wake up troubled in the middle of the night, you still remind yourself of Scriptures and you hang on to them.

"This is the cherishing of My Word that means the most to Me, Ruth. It's in your heart. It's alive in you. You are holding on to it like 'one who has found a treasure' (Psalm 119:162 NLT). This devotion to the Bible pleases Me more than you can possibly imagine.

"And My child, no matter how disappointing circumstances may be at the moment, no matter how much you don't understand what I am doing, no matter how discouraged or crushed you may feel, you still will do whatever I ask of you.

"This is why I called David My friend and a man after My own heart. No matter what, he always was willing to obey everything I ever asked of him (Acts 13:22 NASB). He would tell me, even during moments when there was deep sorrow in his heart, or he felt overcome with pain, "Make me walk along the path of Your commands for that is where my happiness is found (Psalm 119:35 NLT).

"This heart of obedience, no matter how you are feeling, is what I desire above all things from My beloved ones. During the days when all is going well, and during the days when life hurts, you give this heart to Me, Ruth.

"This is intimacy with Me and it is always there between you and Me, regardless of how much you are doing for Me or how much you can't do because you are too weary or life seems too hard.

"And Ruth, no matter how worn out, sick, or troubled you feel, you still tell Me in your heart that you love Me. Even if you haven't sung your worship to Me for several days, day and night you speak of your love to Me and you keep on thanking Me. You keep on telling Me you adore Me. Even when you don't feel good at all, in your heart you still 'reverence Me and stand in awe of My name' (Malachi 2:5 NLT). No matter what you are going through or independent of how difficult life may be, in your heart you never stop 'bowing down before Me and admitting your dependence on Me' (James 4:10 NLT).

"This is the heart of worship, Ruth. This is the sincere worship that touches My heart the most. This is worshipping Me 'in spirit and in truth' (John 4:23 NASB). I can't ask for more than that, Ruth, because all of this is a faithful, tender love for Me."

These reassuring words helped me to enter into a clearer understanding of how God felt about David once he became king. He was always intimate with the Lord, but as the powerful ruler over all of Israel David couldn't be with Him as much as he longed to be. He no longer was able to worship his heart out to the Lord just about any time he wanted. Now he had to fulfill his many responsibilities for a whole nation.

There were days when David was as thirsty for the presence of God as the deer he once saw drinking from a stream while he cared for his father's sheep as a young boy. Sometimes He missed being with the Lord so much that he looked wistfully off into the distance from his palace at the Tabernacle on Mount Zion. He would much rather be in that humble tent on a hill where he could totally focus on passionately worshipping His God than be anywhere else.

He expressed these yearnings in his soul when he wrote…

As the deer pants for streams of water, so I long for You, God. I thirst for You, the living God (Psalm 42:1-2 NLT). Lord, I reach out for You. I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain (Psalm 143:6 NLT).

I long, yes, I faint with longing to enter Your courts (Psalm 84:2 NLT). A single day in Your courts is far better than a thousand days anywhere else (Psalm 84:10 NLT).

God never expressed any disappointment in His friend, David, when he couldn't be with Him as often as he used to be. The Word only describes David as a man after God's own heart (I Samuel 13:14, Acts 13:22 NLT) and in that heart-to-heart connection was the intimacy that made him so special to the Father.

When I pondered how David felt after he embraced his destiny to be king, and God's heart toward him after his life changed that drastically, I was comforted. I felt this way because sometimes as I fulfill what the Lord has called me to do I also miss the abundance of time I once had with Him when I was younger.

During those earlier years it was easy for me to set aside time to worship the Father. I had lots of energy and much opportunity to just enjoy being with Him.

Now life is very different. I play the harp and use my voice to help others enter into the presence of God and worship Him with abandonment in the Holy of Holies. There are many days when my voice is so tired that I can't sing my own love song to the Father when I am alone with Him. My fingers are tender and blistered so I can't express my affection to Him by playing my harp for Him. I am also so physically exhausted from pouring out in ministry that I can't give my best to the Lord when I am with Him. I am just too tired.

During these times of depletion in our relationship with the Lord, Barry and I make the same deliberate choices to protect our intimacy with the Father that we implement for our own friendship. When life presses in on us and our time with the Lord is affected, we are quick to re-evaluate our priorities, lighten up on our schedule wherever it is possible to do so, and cancel any plans that unnecessarily consume our time and energy. These efforts often help the weariness to lift and I can once again enjoy my moments with the Father that I so desperately miss.

But at other times, feeling worn out and not being able to be with Him like I could years ago are all part of me doing exactly what God has asked me to do. To serve Him I often have to sacrifice many of the cherished moments I used to have with Him so that I can impart what He has taught me to others. This is exactly what happened to David. He had to give up being able to worship the Father day and night on a hillside as he watched over his father's sheep in order to say yes to the Lord and accept being king.

In the midst of any of these moments when I miss the Lord so much, I feel very much like David when he said…

I earnestly search for You. My soul thirsts for You. My whole body longs for You. I have seen you in Your sanctuary and gazed upon Your power and glory (Psalm 63: 1-2 NLT). I desire You more than anything on earth (Psalm 73:25 NLT). I long for You, O God. I thirst for You, the living God (Psalm 42:1-2 NLT).

Late one night, while I was writing this book, I was in one of those places of weariness and longing.

"Father," I told Him as I buried my face in my arms on the desk. "I feel sad. I'm so tired and distracted by writing that I haven't had the time with you that I long to have. Father, I feel such a loss. I sure miss You."

This was His kind, reassuring response…

"All is well, Ruth.

"I'm not disappointed in you because you can't come and be with Me as often as you used to. My child, I understand.

"You are doing exactly what I prepared and called you to do. So be at peace.

"And I miss you too."

The insights in this chapter have changed me. There are places in my heart and spirit where I am freer. In many ways, I realize that I will never look at God in quite the same way again.

This new freedom was the final death knell of the residual religious thinking that lurked deep inside of me and I didn't even know it was there.

Now I understand as never before that what matters the most to God is a determination to obey Him, an abiding love for Him, a cherishing of His Word, a reverential awe, a humble adoration, a longing for Him and His presence, a missing of Him when life is hard or we are weary.

So many people have been hurt by religious thinking that depicts God differently from these truths. They think that the Lord is the one who is putting pressure on them to try harder and harder and do more and more in order to please Him. They mistakenly think that He is the one who has hurt them by betraying their sincere efforts to know Him. Feeling an understandable disillusionment, they walk away from God and the door of their heart shuts on any openness to Him.

All of heaven sees this withdrawal from the Lord and grieves.

The Father's heart breaks. He weeps because another son or daughter doesn't want to know Him and all He can say to them, even though they can't hear Him, is…

"It wasn't Me! I didn't do that to you. It wasn't what I wanted for you at all. I love you too much to hurt you like that."

In this hour, the cry of the Father's heart is to set the captives free from the grip of any religious thinking that can kill the intimacy that He longs to have with His children. Even now He is declaring across the expanses of the earth…

"Let My people go!"

The world is convulsing in troubles. The lost of the nations and the Father's own children are in desperate need of intimacy with Him. God earnestly wants us to hear His voice that He is speaking to us in these words…

"When life hurts and you are having a hard time, I don't judge you. I don't condemn you. I don't see you as a disappointment to Me. I don't discourage you by requiring too much of you. I don't say, 'You don't measure up. So you must try harder and harder to earn My love and approval.'

"Never would I say these discouraging things to you! This is never My voice when I speak to you. No! I am very different, and My child this is who I AM…

"When life hurts, I understand exactly how you are feeling.

"When I see you are having a hard time, I am deeply affected by your pain and I only want to show you I care and that I am very near to you.

"When you feel overwhelmed and life seems too hard, I long to hold you close to Me so that you don't feel alone. I ache to immerse you in My kindness. I can hardly wait to fill you with My hope. I yearn to flood you with My peace.

"Most of all, when life is difficult or disappointing, when people let you down, and you are hurting or you don't understand what I am doing, I want to take you into My everlasting arms and embrace you with My father's heart. In that safe place, I only want to help you.

"If you don't know My Son, Jesus, I long for you to experience His amazing grace and His liberating Salvation. You will never be the same if you let My Son come into your heart. Everything will look so different because you will now be a loved child of God. The wonder of it all is that My Son, Jesus, wants you to come to Him just the way you are.

"If you once knew My Son, but you drifted away, He is saying to you now, 'Come on back home to Me. The door is wide open and only mercy and a warm, inviting welcome are waiting for you here in My unconditional love for you. If you will give Me another chance, I will bring you safely home again (Ezekiel 34:16 NLT).

"No matter what you have done, or what you have felt toward Me, come home to Me.

"I am understanding and I am merciful (Jeremiah 3:12 NLT). My only desire is to draw you gently back to Me (Jeremiah 31:9 NLT)."

When we grasp the truth about how God really feels, the walls around our heart can come down, including the destructive barriers that were erected because of our mistaken religious thinking.

Then the tenderness of His love can finally permeate our soul. Our relationship with Him can become more secure, more vulnerable, more intimate, more free.

We discover that we can relax with the Lord even during the hard times. We are able to be vulnerable with Him and talk to Him about anything.

This is the intimacy that encourages us and inspires hope.

This is the intimacy that gives us a reassuring peace when life hurts and we don't know what to do.